I have these intense cravings all the time.
Lately my body will beg for a cigarette. And I remind myself if I smoke one that it won’t make me feel better but it will make me want another. I have successfully for the past month or so had one cigarette a week. Not on any specific night but usually after a night of heavy drinking. Just one cheat smoke though as opposed to the steady chain smoking my body is accustomed to but nicotine nonetheless.
Hold up, I already wrote this essay. Let me stop myself.
This is exactly what I’m talking about. I’ve already written the essay where I tell you I’m going to quit smoking but I really haven’t quit.
I need to write the essay about how I’m the person who says he’s going to do something and then doesn’t follow through. Always trying to toot my own horn and never really doing anything worth tooting about.
Writing a solid essay once a week, that is something I could be proud of if I did that.
I can’t seem to find a focus and my creativity is always stalled by trivial bullshit that clouds up my thoughts and distracts me from my writing endeavors. More excuses for my shortcomings which unfortunately come much easier to me than I’d like.
I have plenty to write about. I could write about how much I love Cults the retro garage rock duo with the throwback girl group harmonies that just slay. Or maybe about how Katy Perry just confuses me, but not in a cool she’s so mysterious and clever way. I thought she was talented and charming but I can’t figure out why she is always dressed for the main stage at Perfect 10.
I can’t sleep at night. I’m always busy chewing on the inside of my cheeks or dreaming of unicorns and Justin Timberlake. My head is spinning and I’m discombobulated.
What is GaGa doing in space and why is Kanye talking to Jesus at the Staples Center?
Christmas decorations hang over my head at Mozart’s and people are stopping in the middle of the street at green lights and running red lights. Modern life is chaos but I no longer believe there is apocalypse looming over the horizon. This isn’t the end of days, it’s just Thursday.
And I don’t think I should have to be medicated for everyday living. I don’t want to end up as dazed and confused as the general population would lead you to believe they are. I can’t afford those prescriptions or bad habits.
I get so emotional and it’s embarrassing. So I avoid dealing with my emotions occasionally. The intense dark and stormy bits hide deep down inside of me until they get spun around so hard they erupt without warning. At that point I usually focus my wrath on a singular person and God help me I say things I can’t take back.
And I’m sorry.
Most days I’m doing all the yelling in my head. Beating myself into submission and those are the days I can’t even drag myself out of bed.
My frustrations wrestle around looking for someone to blame for my shortcomings when honestly there isn’t anything to be upset about. You cannot live your life within your limits and expect to achieve anything amazing. Everyday should be filled with the unfamiliar and unexplored territory. Wishful thinking will not lead you to glory.
I can’t keep propping myself up as the ultimate writer’s block. This blog stands as proof I am a writer no matter how I may try to disprove the fact to spite myself. I haven’t failed if I don’t stop trying and after a two month hiatus I have succeeded again. I just have to give myself the fighting chance I deserve. So I suppose you’ll be hearing from me a little more often now.
Same time next week?