I have these intense cravings all the time.
Lately my body will beg for a cigarette. And I remind myself if I smoke one that it won’t make me feel better but it will make me want another. I have successfully for the past month or so had one cigarette a week. Not on any specific night but usually after a night of heavy drinking. Just one cheat smoke though as opposed to the steady chain smoking my body is accustomed to but nicotine nonetheless.
Hold up, I already wrote this essay. Let me stop myself.
This is exactly what I’m talking about. I’ve already written the essay where I tell you I’m going to quit smoking but I really haven’t quit.
I need to write the essay about how I’m the person who says he’s going to do something and then doesn’t follow through. Always trying to toot my own horn and never really doing anything worth tooting about.
Writing a solid essay once a week, that is something I could be proud of if I did that.
I can’t seem to find a focus and my creativity is always stalled by trivial bullshit that clouds up my thoughts and distracts me from my writing endeavors. More excuses for my shortcomings which unfortunately come much easier to me than I’d like.
I have plenty to write about. I could write about how much I love Cults the retro garage rock duo with the throwback girl group harmonies that just slay. Or maybe about how Katy Perry just confuses me, but not in a cool she’s so mysterious and clever way. I thought she was talented and charming but I can’t figure out why she is always dressed for the main stage at Perfect 10.
I can’t sleep at night. I’m always busy chewing on the inside of my cheeks or dreaming of unicorns and Justin Timberlake. My head is spinning and I’m discombobulated.
What is GaGa doing in space and why is Kanye talking to Jesus at the Staples Center?
Christmas decorations hang over my head at Mozart’s and people are stopping in the middle of the street at green lights and running red lights. Modern life is chaos but I no longer believe there is apocalypse looming over the horizon. This isn’t the end of days, it’s just Thursday.
And I don’t think I should have to be medicated for everyday living. I don’t want to end up as dazed and confused as the general population would lead you to believe they are. I can’t afford those prescriptions or bad habits.
I get so emotional and it’s embarrassing. So I avoid dealing with my emotions occasionally. The intense dark and stormy bits hide deep down inside of me until they get spun around so hard they erupt without warning. At that point I usually focus my wrath on a singular person and God help me I say things I can’t take back.
And I’m sorry.
Most days I’m doing all the yelling in my head. Beating myself into submission and those are the days I can’t even drag myself out of bed.
My frustrations wrestle around looking for someone to blame for my shortcomings when honestly there isn’t anything to be upset about. You cannot live your life within your limits and expect to achieve anything amazing. Everyday should be filled with the unfamiliar and unexplored territory. Wishful thinking will not lead you to glory.
I can’t keep propping myself up as the ultimate writer’s block. This blog stands as proof I am a writer no matter how I may try to disprove the fact to spite myself. I haven’t failed if I don’t stop trying and after a two month hiatus I have succeeded again. I just have to give myself the fighting chance I deserve. So I suppose you’ll be hearing from me a little more often now.
Same time next week?
Never in the history of Juice have I found the innate desire to put myself first. I do selfish things but mostly for attention, not for my betterment. I pursue conflict to create some spectacle to entertain myself or others. Even now when I think I should stay home to avoid a knowingly stressful situation, I fight the urge to listen to my better judgement.
This is the same nonsense responsible for my total inability to understand the urgency to save money or participate in a lifestyle that doesn’t involve me waking up hungover and showing up late to everything. Lazy, immaturity, or whatever stigma I clutch on to for absolutely no reason, I’m living a half life.
I feel like everything I do has been pushing me closer and closer to mediocrity. I am my own unwritten coming of age novel or never written screenplay, which by the way is going to basically reinvent the apocalypse. I’ve spent a lifetime making my life into a junk drawer. I can’t find the mail key and I save all my movie stubs. I’ve managed to make a mess of myself over time.
My life just needs a jump start to flush out the bad and maintain the good, like a colonic. I want my life to get a colonic not because I think colonics are chic but because I think it needs one.
I’ve compiled a list and I just need to narrow down the people, places, and things that weigh me down and takeover my impulse control. A life that is not my own has no potential. I’m aiming for perspective here while being quite aware that all my theoretical spitballing doesn’t have to necessarily result in results.
I’m working on self helping. I don’t think they make a brochure like that for anyone. Unlocking your common sense and discovering your new and improved practical life full of success and things that make sense and stuff. Something like that, right?
So I guess I’ve narrowed down my main goals as to actually trying to maintain my physical health I.E. working out or something that resembles physical activity and quitting smoking.
I haven’t worked out long enough to see results. I have irrational fears of working out in front of other people that I’m slowly overcoming because I’m toying with the idea that I could become vain if I work hard enough. I’m not up for a juice cleanse or boot camp but I know those are outlets available to someone interested in making huge sweeping changes in their lives.
Right now, I just wanna continue to shake up my routine with a trip down to town lake or faux yoga with Jillian Michaels in the comfort of my own home.
I’m not gonna make the cover of US Weekly for any weight loss achievement I may gain but that’s not the point. I don’t want before and after photos. There has always been a part of me that’s always thought I could never look “attractive” or achieve any kind of physical strength.
I’ve always thought myself a weak or fragile person.
Most of the time I’m either scrappy, scared shitless, or clueless. I just need to invest more in my potential instead of my shortcomings. Juicy could be other things too like tough, ambitious, and toned. I want to be a better version of me and I think that’s definitely good, not selfish.
I was a bonafide smoker for so long out of ritual and habit but I couldn’t seem to quit. I used smoking as an emotional crutch to deter dealing with other emotions. Passive aggressive behavior is my past time. At first, smoking was simply a social activity and then my participation in the service industry quickly escalated my social activity to a habit.
Then I began to think smoking a pack a day was normal because the people around me were doing the same.
Funny to think how your perspective of the world is so easily skewed. I can adjust my definition of normal to resemble what my life actually has become. Taking control of your life requires you to take on some responsibility. All the pressures of being the idea man are somehow so daunting you let things slip past you.
You resist the changes you don’t want to make in hopes of avoiding having to admit mistakes you have made.
When I fiend for a cigarette now I really get a feel for how I was trying to save face from my emotions with the physical act of smoking. By the time I’m done smoking this cigarette I’ll have forgotten why I was upset or instead of feeling upset and resolving the problem I could just smoke a pack to somehow express my anger and frustration.
Poison should not be your quick fix when you need medicine.
So I am currently not smoking. I’ve only technically cheated once or twice, in two weeks. I admitted that because I respect you and I don’t want to base our relationship on lies. Honest to a fault, why not?
I don’t want any of my relationships to be based on lies or to become superficial. That requires a lot of interpersonal skills slash willing partners. I don’t think I’m always a willing partner to the cause sometimes but that won’t stop me from trying my hand.
I’ve started considering the idea that if I have to avoid someone or not invite someone around, why am I associating with this person? When there are stipulations to tolerating someone I’ve included in my circle of friends there must be something else to address among friends.
I’m having an identity crisis because for most of my life I thought I had my Juicy self figured out. This is who I am, this is what I stand for, and this is what I cannot allow. Exceptions began to occur and I became so malleable or flexible and such a damn pushover.
I became an obstacle to myself. I can quit smoking when I want to. I’ve never worked out before so I’m not going to start now. The things I wanted for myself and the things I should be doing for myself got mixed up. I’ve decided to grab for the things I need now and find out what could really sustain me in a time of need.
My life will not be a bowl of cherries and I might not be able to enjoy every minute of it because of circumstances. I understand that but I will relish the opportunity to be the one who calls the shots and takes charge. Preparing for the really hard days and savoring the days that are too good to be true.